idea vs. the person

This is what I don't like about this whole thing. I'm not okay with the fact that it rattles me and causes me to get easily frustrated.

But I really have no one else to blame but myself. I pretend as if I'm okay with the whole thing. Well, I'm really trying to be genuinely okay, even happy, about it.

I just have to convince myself more that it was just the idea, and it was not the person. Just a little bit more convincing on my part, and I think I'll be fine. :)

my anchors of happiness

being a traveller was never a part of my 'what i want to be when i grow up' list. after travelling to some provinces in my home country - the Philippines, and in some countries in Asia, i am hungry for more. and this is what i want to be, and what i want to do NOW.

i want to travel and explore the world. i live for those unexpected moments when i find myself:

1) semi-floating on the Red River in Anawangin, that peaceful moment - the sound of the wind through the pine trees, of birds chirping, of the flow of the river, and the sun rays peeking through the trees
2) almost touching the corals while discovery scuba diving in San Juan, Batangas
3) finally standing on top of a surfboard and reaching the shores of La Union
4) at awe when my cousin and i saw a reptile (a cross between a crocodile and a huge lizard) crossing the Lumpini Park in Bangkok, only to discover that it's normal there
5) discovering my interest, and eventually love, for photography when i first saw the wonderful historic temples of Ayutthaya
6) climbing the Matukad Island to see the hidden lake where they say a magical big fish lives
7) staring at the blue waters of Bantayan Island, appreciating the calming effect of the ocean and the horizon, and realizing that life has endless possibilities to offer
8) almost falling off a raft while whitewater rafting in Cagayan de Oro
9) laughing with friends while crossing the chaotic streets of Saigon
10) falling in love with Siem Reap and the wonderful Khmers
11) meeting Mr. Sam, a survivor of the Khmer Rouge Occupation
12) finding a quiet spot in Bayon Temple in the Angkor Wat Complex
13) eating a cricket in the Angkor Night Market
14) learning the difference between a crocodile and an alligator in Crocodile Farm, Puerto Princesa, Palawan
15) cave spelunking in Ugong Rock Cave
16) at awe when we saw the majestic 'Cathedral' of the Puerto Princesa Underground River
17) bungee jumping from the Macau Tower
18) actually enjoying Macau when I never thought I'd ever enjoy a city travel

A few months ago, I watched the travel documentary 'A Map for Saturday'. Which resulted to my '2013 Backpacking Asia' project - to travel for 2 months through China, Mongolia, Nepal, India, and Malaysia. I shared this to some of my friends and... let's just say I got a little discouraged. They had these 'logical' questions like '2 months? how about your job? you can't quit your job.' '2 months? that's too long.' 'mongolia? nepal? can we not do europe?' Then i started to doubt this project of mine. Of course, I can't quit my job. What would my parents say? I eventually settled with the idea of travelling once or twice a year, one week at the most.

Then I travelled again. And I bungee jumped from a 233-meters tower. The most important thing I learned from that experience is that you just have to let go. Standing on the edge is where you face all your fears. How do you address these fears? You trust everything. You let go. You jump.

What's keeping me from doing it? What are my fears? Don't I have enough faith in Him and in myself that I will be able to find a job when I go back? Or that it won't be safe for a 25-year-old Asian girl to travel alone? Don't I have enough faith in the kindness of people?

I trust that it will be very memorable, with both good and not-so-good experiences. And the not-so-good experiences and hassles will be all worth it for the life experiences I am about to have.

But I have to prepare. I have to save up. I know I will eventually have to adjust my itinerary based on the budget I'd be able to come up with. I have to train physically.

But these are just basic stuff. Because based from my few travels, I've learned that you can never really be prepared. It's just the beauty of travelling. :)

I know that one year is still far into the future. I know that a lot of things can happen, things that may be out of my control. But I am hoping for the best. I am hoping and praying that everything works out. :)

So here's to taking the first step. I'm calling out to Him, the Universe, and Luck. Please help me make this happen. :)

'dog days are over' by florence and the machine

happiness hit her like a train on a track
coming towards her stuck still no turning back
she hid around corners and she hid under beds
she killed it with kisses and from it she fled
with every bubble she sank with her drink
and washed it away down the kitchen sink

the dog days are over
the dog days are done
the horses are coming
so you better run

run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
leave all your love and your longing behind
you can't carry it with you if you want to survive

the dog days are over
the dog days are done
can you hear the horses?
because here they come

and i never wanted anything from you
except everything you had and what was left after that too
happiness hit her like a bullet in the head
struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that

the dog days are over
the dog days are done
can you hear the horses?
because here they come

run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
leave all your love and your longing behind
you can't carry it with you if you want to survive

It is such a liberating song. It's an experience. It's the type of song that you would want to get lost in while singing and dancing. It builds up your emotions and brings you to the highs and the lows of the whole experience.

I read a lot of interpretations of the song. Some saw it as a song of a person finding love after the 'dog days'. Some say it's a song about running away from love for fear of getting hurt.

I think it's about someone who's used to getting hurt. Then finds herself hit by love and happiness 'like a bullet' that it left her really confused and scared. She tries to run away from it in order to save herself from the possible pain that happiness may bring.

'leave all your love and your longing behind. you can't carry it with you if you want to survive.'

the melody and the beat are liberating, but the message (at least my interpretation of it) is very melancholy.

I love it. I especially love dancing to it.

so 2007

warning: this post is so 2007. it happened recently but it feels so 2007. haha

i'm not good at flirting.

why am i even obsessing about it? well, i'm really trying not to. so this post is to stop this pathetic state once and for all.

let me acknowledge it:

i met someone who's funny, smart, and who also loves what i love doing. i was hoping for something. nothing really serious, just something to look forward to. but that something never happened, and i don't think it will ever will.

but as i've said the whole 'thing' has served its purpose. and i'm thankful for it. so i'm stopping right now.

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i think the only thing that i'm really good and lucky at is travelling. so that's where i'm going to focus all my energy. :)