uncertainties

i think 4 years is enough already. i've given myself enough time to assess if this career path is where i'm supposed to be and if i should even continue on down this path.

i tested the waters for the first two years. i enjoyed it and i've discovered my strengths and weaknesses, the things i like doing, the things i can tolerate, and those i know i can live without. in the middle of it all, i tried to shift to another path as a way to escape - it didn't work out, i tried twice.

the next two years to now, i tried to give it another chance. i decided to move to a larger house to get a better opportunity to experience the real investment banking job. and i did. i handled financial advisory, marketing, equity and debt issuances, and operational work. i was challenged and i felt rewarded (financially and by pride). i get to travel, buy stuff, provide medical security for my parents, and sustain myself. but i feel like there's always something wrong. i hate that i've cursed a lot and meant some of it, i argued with so many people, i get shouted at by scheming account officers, and been a slave for rich-unreasonable-mean clients. i feel so detached from my work. it's not something that i can be totally proud of. and the stress - i've tried so hard to overcome it but i just can't.

the past few days i thought there was a glimpse of hope that things will eventually improve in the office. but office politics got in the way and they imposed on me something that i still have a hard time accepting. i thought there was a glimpse of hope that i might stay longer, but it's already hopeless. i'd like to think He is already telling me to give up. and for the first time, i actually feel really really sad and disappointed.

first, because i really think this is going to be my last year in this path. i thought it was going to work out somehow.

second, because i don't know where i'm supposed to go after this. all i have is that major trip in october which i'm praying will push through. after that, i don't know where i'm supposed to go.

and i'm scared, really really scared. but i know now, today, for sure that i don't like to return to this path anymore.

third, that uncontrollable situations will make me stay or force me to go back after the trip.

i'm scared. i would like to feel excited, but i'm not. don't get me wrong, i have faith that everything will work out soon enough. but now at this very moment, the uncertainty is making me sad and really anxious.

awesomeness

saw this from Zoey's flickr account:

"When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead."

I love it. This is apparently from one of Barney Stinson's (HIMYM) office posters. I just love it. :)

fading

it's one of those days.

busy monday. 2.5-hrs meetings. information overload.
hot weather. too lazy to run.
i miss. airports. shorts and shirts. strangers. new. foreign.
sweet. interesting. routine. boring.

it's like the magic of april is already fading.

i need to get moving. but i'm just too lazy.

routine. again. until when?

Beautiful Coron: Bulog and Malcapuya

Third day was island hopping and an overnight stay in Malcapuya Island. And this was the day we visited the most gorgeous island/beach I’ve ever seen. It had white sand and clear white and aqua blue waters. It was paradise. :)

Bulog Island :)








look at that. super clear :D




Malcapuya Island


Malcapuya Island Sunset :)

Photos and memories like these are the reasons why I live and why I'm so thankful to Him for such wonderful gifts. Places like these remind you of how beautiful Philippines is. Going to places like these and being rewarded by so much joy and happiness, are the reasons why I travel. :)

Thank you, Coron. I will be seeing you again next year. I hope your unexplored part is still intact by then. :)

Beautiful Coron: Mt. Tapyas and Hidden Lakes

Whenever I hear friends talk about Coron, they have this certain sparkle in their eyes like they’ve been to a magical place. And when they start talking about the places they saw and the memories they have of the place, they somehow get lost at the middle of their sharing like they're transported back in time. When you encounter friends like these from time to time you would be very curious and you automatically plan the trip.

aerial view of Busuanga, Palawan

And that’s what we did.

But before we discovered the beauty of Coron, we first had to be stressed out by Cebu Pacific’s overbooking Policy. Only 2 out of 5 were able to get into the scheduled (delayed) flight, the other 3 were moved to the 12nn flight. If we did not make a scene in the check-in counter, we wouldn’t have left Manila that day. Anyways, we got separated and our flights were delayed.

We weren’t able to start our island hopping that afternoon, so we just decided to eat lunch, rest, and hike Mt. Tapyas. Tapyas in English means ‘chipped off’. A young boy told us that half of the top of the mountain was chipped off from the US bombing of Japanese troops who were allegedly there. The hike with 718 steps is fairly easy with a few stops along the way. It was quite tiring but the view is definitely worth it.

Mt. Tapyas Sunset

Our second day started with snorkeling in Siete Pecados, having lunch in one of the small white beaches, and swimming in the hidden lakes of Coron Island – Kayangan Lake, Twin Lagoon, and Barracuda Lake. We weren’t able to visit the other white beaches and the ship wreck since it was high tide. So we just spent most of our time swimming in Kayangan Lake and Barracuda Lake.

Kayangan Lake

Barracuda Lake, we had it to ourselves. :)

short, funny, but really sweet

We were talking about the GAME people play. How to play it and when to know if someone’s a player. I told them that I don’t want to and I don’t think I’m emotionally strong enough to play it.

Then things happened. (Disclaimer: It was nothing major, but it was something quite huge of a step for me.)

At first there were the unnecessary attention and efforts to talk to me and sit beside me. Or to ask if I was feeling okay or if I need help. Then there were the cuddly things that I didn’t know how to respond to.

Then there was the alcohol. Alcohol strips you off slowly of your inhibitions. (My inhibitions since he wasn't allowed to drink alcohol.)

Then I responded to the efforts. And I’m glad I did. It was short, it was sweet, there were butterflies in my stomach and up until now they still linger.

They asked me if I would be interested in him since he told one of them that he is interested in me. I told them that I don’t know and I just found myself responding to it and actually liking it. Because I know that things can and will probably be different once we’re all back to reality, where convenience and time are luxuries. I’m just glad that it happened and that he was a nice and great guy.

But more than anything, I’m so glad that I allowed myself to feel something even for just a few days. And that I allowed myself to have fun and be appreciated.

It was such a funny and sweet experience that it deserves a blog entry. :)

passion and miracles

‘Passion is life’s fuel. It is to conspire with the universe and align yourself with what it is you were meant to do in this life. And when you live out your passion, miracles happen. So find it.’

Source: here