uncertainties

i think 4 years is enough already. i've given myself enough time to assess if this career path is where i'm supposed to be and if i should even continue on down this path.

i tested the waters for the first two years. i enjoyed it and i've discovered my strengths and weaknesses, the things i like doing, the things i can tolerate, and those i know i can live without. in the middle of it all, i tried to shift to another path as a way to escape - it didn't work out, i tried twice.

the next two years to now, i tried to give it another chance. i decided to move to a larger house to get a better opportunity to experience the real investment banking job. and i did. i handled financial advisory, marketing, equity and debt issuances, and operational work. i was challenged and i felt rewarded (financially and by pride). i get to travel, buy stuff, provide medical security for my parents, and sustain myself. but i feel like there's always something wrong. i hate that i've cursed a lot and meant some of it, i argued with so many people, i get shouted at by scheming account officers, and been a slave for rich-unreasonable-mean clients. i feel so detached from my work. it's not something that i can be totally proud of. and the stress - i've tried so hard to overcome it but i just can't.

the past few days i thought there was a glimpse of hope that things will eventually improve in the office. but office politics got in the way and they imposed on me something that i still have a hard time accepting. i thought there was a glimpse of hope that i might stay longer, but it's already hopeless. i'd like to think He is already telling me to give up. and for the first time, i actually feel really really sad and disappointed.

first, because i really think this is going to be my last year in this path. i thought it was going to work out somehow.

second, because i don't know where i'm supposed to go after this. all i have is that major trip in october which i'm praying will push through. after that, i don't know where i'm supposed to go.

and i'm scared, really really scared. but i know now, today, for sure that i don't like to return to this path anymore.

third, that uncontrollable situations will make me stay or force me to go back after the trip.

i'm scared. i would like to feel excited, but i'm not. don't get me wrong, i have faith that everything will work out soon enough. but now at this very moment, the uncertainty is making me sad and really anxious.