reminders

I found this unpublished entry while cleaning up my flash drive.

09.27.10

There is a reason why we keep copies of the things we wrote before – may it be a journal, a diary, scribbles on a paper, or a blog. There is a reason why it’s important to write things down at that very moment you felt something. May it be joy, sadness, desperation, excitement, or just pure boredom.

It reminds you of why things happened, of why you made certain hard decisions in life. It’s somehow a check and balance of how much you have improved as a person.

Reading it after a year either makes you realize that you should commend yourself for getting over something; or to remind you for the nth time why you shouldn’t go back, why you should continue moving forward.

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I really can't remember what made me write this entry back in September 2010. But I think it deserves to be published.

I feel it is very timely. Given the fact that it's going to be August soon.

It's really going to happen.

Am I anxious? Yes.
Do I feel like backing out? The idea pops into my head from time to time. But it was never a strong idea and I've always known that it's not an option.
Do i feel the need to look for another job and hope that they allow me to come in January 2012? Yes, sometimes. But I always remind myself of why I'm doing this in the first place.
Am I scared? Yes, very much. But the feeling of excitement is just too powerful.

It really is the fear of the unknown that causes all these anxieties and fears. But something more powerful is pushing me forward. And forward I go. :)

50. 79. 97

My MOED calendar says that it’s:

50 days left until September 1 – the day I make it official
79 days left until September 30 – my last day
97 days until October 18 – THE DATE

50. 79. 97. It still seems like a very long time before freedom. Freedom from all these negativities. I find myself wondering if there’s anything wrong with me, as to why I feel so out of place in this environment. I think I started feeling this way when I discovered the true colors of the people in the office. When I started to realize how wrong most of the things are. And just how much I don’t want to be part of it anymore.

So here’s putting it into perspective:

50 days ago was May 24 – the week of a friend’s party
79 days ago was April 25 – the last time I went home to Baguio City
97 days ago was April 7 – I was in Coron having a vacation

The memories of these random days are still fresh and I don’t feel like it’s been a long time since the Coron vacation.

97 days seems so slow when we focus on the not-so-good things in our lives. It feels like some kind of torture every day.

But 97 days isn’t so long anymore when we look forward to something great. Something great that’s about to happen in our routinary lives.

Here’s to putting things into perspective and a little more patience. To being thankful for the blessings and surprises that He has given me this year.

it's supposed to be a good news

It’s sad when you realize that the closeness you used to have with one person is not there anymore. You start to wonder when did it start to change or fade? And why, what brought about such change?

Our friendship was automatic. We had so many things in common and we always have fun together. But our friendship strengthened since we found comfort in the fact that we were both at a disadvantageous situation in the office.

But things eventually improved for her. She was given more opportunities and new things. I, on the other hand, got stuck with the same old responsibilities. And I was happy for her because she deserves it. It really didn’t bother me that much that nothing good was happening to me since I knew I was going to leave soon enough.

But at some point things started to change between us.

For me it started when she had a different opinion on my plans and my own sentiments on what was happening around us. At first, I took offense. But eventually I learned to respect her opinions, and I just decided that I didn’t have to tell her about those things anymore. I just thought that she will never understand my sentiments since she doesn’t really know what it feels like to be in my place.

What happened on her side, I will never really know.

But for some reason, the distance between us just lengthened.

I think was somehow aware that it was happening. But what happened yesterday concerned me and saddened me.

I know her response to the whole promotion news was not necessarily about me. It really was unfair to her. But I didn’t ask for this. I wasn’t even expecting it.

I just couldn’t help but feel sad especially when I see her being so happy towards the other people’s promotions. I see it and hear it happening in front of me. She couldn’t even look me in the eye. She tries to avoid being stuck in one room with me.

I want to be happy about it. Because I do feel that I deserve it too. My plans of leaving doesn’t strip me of the right to be compensated more for my hard work and for assuming all the dirty work.

But with her, especially her, and the other people’s reactions towards it, I sometimes wonder if I really deserve it.

And with all that’s happening right now, I wonder if we will ever recover the friendship that we used to have.

The God of Small Things

I’ve always loved reading. But ever since I graduated from college, I always tend to a start a book then not finish it. What’s worse is that I tend to buy books and not read them at all.

Except for Arundhati Roy’s The God of Small Things.


It tells of the tragedy of a Kerala family brought about by society’s caste system and Love Laws (That lay down who should be loved. And how. And how much.)

"The only dream worth having is to dream that you will live while you are alive, and die only when you are dead. To love, to be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and vulgar disparity of the life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never to forget."

It took me almost a week to read it. But for the first time, in a long time, I finished reading a book. It’s not exactly the story that pulled me but the way the story was written. I’m not that good with words so I really can’t describe how different and effective her story telling skills are. Maybe you just ought to read the book to understand what I have a hard time explaining.

Or read the following excerpts:

"Perhaps it's true that things can change in a day. That a few dozen hours can affect the outcome of whole lifetimes. And that when they do, those few dozen hours, like the salvaged remains of a burned house---the charred clock, the singed photograph, the scorched furniture---must be resurrected from the ruins and examined. Preserved. Accounted for. Little events, ordinary things, smashed and reconstitutred. Imbued with new meaning. Suddenly they become the bleached bones of a story."

"When you hurt people, they begin to love you less. That's what careless words do. They make people love you a little less."

It was already 2:00 am and I knew that I had to put down the book. But the last chapter was just too…passionate - the unforbidden love, the words used, the way the sentences were constructed – all of which just leave you mesmerized and alive at 2:00 am in the morning. It’s like the chapter alone can be a masterpiece.

"Being with him made her feel as though her soul had escaped from the narrow confines of her island country into the vast, extravagant spaces of his. He made her feel as though the world belonged to them- as though it lay before them like an opened frog on a dissecting table, begging to be examined."

"The way her body existed only where he touched her. The rest of her was smoke."

"He folded his fear into a perfect rose. He held it out in the palm of his hand. She took it from him and put it in her hair."



Next read: Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts

rants

1) They give you crappy and frustrating accounts. In Filipino, basurang accounts (trash). And since it’s a crappy account, it’s slow and it has lots of problems. So when the bosses get frustrated on the account, they get it out on you. Like it’s your fault that it’s taking so slow and that it’s not perfect. Unlike your colleagues (8 to 10 years older) who have the beautiful and easy accounts, everything goes smoothly. You try to not take it personally. But if it’s been happening for the past two weeks, it just makes you a tiny bit angry. Because all that you’ve been doing really is the best you can do given the crappiness of the account.

2) They ask you to temporarily oversee the deal when the colleague is on leave. But once the colleague is back, they don’t let you in the deal anymore. Then all of a sudden the boss asks you so many things about the deal. Then you wonder what the hell is he talking about? Oh! It’s that meeting they had which you weren’t invited to join. The boss also asks you to help out on the deal since the colleague has so many other deals. Like you’re not helping out. But how can you help when you are never updated and when they’ve never invited you in the meetings. And now all of a sudden you are the irresponsible account officer. Unfair? Yes, I very much think so.

3) They make you responsible for the documents of almost 2,000 clients which really should be the Operation’s responsibility. Aside from the huge volume, most of these clients and their AOs are irresponsible in submitting the documents. And don’t get me started on how hard it is to follow-up the documents. So when the internal auditor asks you for copies of the IDs of some of the clients, you tell her that you’ll try to get their IDs, but for now maybe she can refer to the Certification from the Account Officers (that they did their own Know-Your-Client procedures on the clients). Which by the way your Compliance Officer asked you to accomplish. Then after a while the Operations Head tells you that you should not have told the Auditor about the Certification. That instead you should have told her that she can just talk to Operations and that they’re dealing with the documents. So now it’s supposed to be the Operation’s responsibility. So by Internal Audit- and procedure- purposes, it’s their responsibility. But since they know that:

• It’s all dirty work
• They can use office politics to impose on you the responsibility
• You’re responsible and you would do it no matter what

They make you do it. Unjust? Yes, it is. It really is.

I hate it so much. I just hate it.

And you don't have anyone in the office to talk about it anymore because they don't understand. They never will.