new blog :)

I've been filling-up/fixing a blog for a few months now. I was planning on telling people about it once I've filed the letter and told my parents of my plans. But I realized that keeping it a secret just makes the whole thing (the big trip and quitting my job) more unreal.

I think I’ve been feeling anxious and sensitive (towards other people’s opinions of my plans) these past few weeks because I’m refusing to accept that it really is happening. And it’s happening soon. Things are going to change soon. And after acknowledging all my fears, I started to release them. And I felt lighter. :)

So let me share to you my new blog: http://www.anggeturns26.com/

It’s a blog to document this change that is happening in my life, and of course my love for travel and travel photography. I will be updating my friends and family of my travels for the upcoming months through this blog.

Hope you can take the time to visit and share it. :)

How Spontaneity and Boracay surprised me.

Last week I found myself pondering on going on a spontaneous weekend trip. A trip to remind myself of the reasons why I made certain decisions in my life. Major life decisions that has caused people to judge me and question my priorities. A random cellphone conference call (yes apparently it's possible!) among friends last Friday lead to my booking a flight to Boracay.

Boracay. I've always been consistent with my opinion on Boracay. I've always told people that I will only go to Boracay if the trip is free. I've always preferred going to quiet, secluded, and cheap-accommodations (tent) type of beaches. But I ate my own words. I went to Boracay - breaking my self-imposed travel hiatus and touching my hard-earned savings for the Big Trip.

But it was all worth it.

It was my first time to travel alone. I visited and stayed with a friend who was working part-time in Boracay, but I did spend an amount of time doing things on my own since she was on-call 24-hours. It was kind of lonely at first but it gave me a sense of freedom. Freedom to not worry about anything or anyone, and to do things my own way and at my own pace.

Island tour on a motorbike. Exciting!

I got asked by the locals if and why I was traveling alone. It was supposed to feel kind of offensive, but it didn't feel that way at all. It actually made it more comfortable for them to talk to me and give me tips on the cheaper and more scenic way of traveling around the Panay Island.

Try to sit beside the driver when riding a public van.
This way you'll get a free 'tour' of the places on the way to your destination.

And the beautiful sunset.

I know not all people can relate to my love for travel. But if you're a traveler just like me, isn't all these moments and memories worth your time and money? Isn't all of these worth postponing the 'life security' that most people define - buying a car, a condo, or raising a family? It is for me.

I'm glad I booked that flight. I'm glad to have traveled alone for the first time. It may have cost me quite a lot for being so spontaneous (bordering impulsive). But I needed that trip. It reminded me of why I love to travel and the profound happiness I feel when traveling.

I have absolutely no idea what my life is going to be next year. But I know in my heart that whatever happens, traveling will always be a part of my life.

And from here on, I will not allow anyone to question my priorities and decisions anymore.

Sometimes you just have to give in to spontaneity and go somewhere you never thought you'd go to. You'd be surprised at how much fun and enriching it's going to be. :)


P.S.

I'd like to thank my friend Cindy for welcoming me to her island and for always being supportive. I love you, Cindz! :)

And to the new-found friends and diligent (naks!) moonlight doctors of Boracay, for all the laughter and good times. Thanks for the very interesting and memorable night in one of your clinics. :P

reminders

I found this unpublished entry while cleaning up my flash drive.

09.27.10

There is a reason why we keep copies of the things we wrote before – may it be a journal, a diary, scribbles on a paper, or a blog. There is a reason why it’s important to write things down at that very moment you felt something. May it be joy, sadness, desperation, excitement, or just pure boredom.

It reminds you of why things happened, of why you made certain hard decisions in life. It’s somehow a check and balance of how much you have improved as a person.

Reading it after a year either makes you realize that you should commend yourself for getting over something; or to remind you for the nth time why you shouldn’t go back, why you should continue moving forward.

------------------

I really can't remember what made me write this entry back in September 2010. But I think it deserves to be published.

I feel it is very timely. Given the fact that it's going to be August soon.

It's really going to happen.

Am I anxious? Yes.
Do I feel like backing out? The idea pops into my head from time to time. But it was never a strong idea and I've always known that it's not an option.
Do i feel the need to look for another job and hope that they allow me to come in January 2012? Yes, sometimes. But I always remind myself of why I'm doing this in the first place.
Am I scared? Yes, very much. But the feeling of excitement is just too powerful.

It really is the fear of the unknown that causes all these anxieties and fears. But something more powerful is pushing me forward. And forward I go. :)

50. 79. 97

My MOED calendar says that it’s:

50 days left until September 1 – the day I make it official
79 days left until September 30 – my last day
97 days until October 18 – THE DATE

50. 79. 97. It still seems like a very long time before freedom. Freedom from all these negativities. I find myself wondering if there’s anything wrong with me, as to why I feel so out of place in this environment. I think I started feeling this way when I discovered the true colors of the people in the office. When I started to realize how wrong most of the things are. And just how much I don’t want to be part of it anymore.

So here’s putting it into perspective:

50 days ago was May 24 – the week of a friend’s party
79 days ago was April 25 – the last time I went home to Baguio City
97 days ago was April 7 – I was in Coron having a vacation

The memories of these random days are still fresh and I don’t feel like it’s been a long time since the Coron vacation.

97 days seems so slow when we focus on the not-so-good things in our lives. It feels like some kind of torture every day.

But 97 days isn’t so long anymore when we look forward to something great. Something great that’s about to happen in our routinary lives.

Here’s to putting things into perspective and a little more patience. To being thankful for the blessings and surprises that He has given me this year.

it's supposed to be a good news

It’s sad when you realize that the closeness you used to have with one person is not there anymore. You start to wonder when did it start to change or fade? And why, what brought about such change?

Our friendship was automatic. We had so many things in common and we always have fun together. But our friendship strengthened since we found comfort in the fact that we were both at a disadvantageous situation in the office.

But things eventually improved for her. She was given more opportunities and new things. I, on the other hand, got stuck with the same old responsibilities. And I was happy for her because she deserves it. It really didn’t bother me that much that nothing good was happening to me since I knew I was going to leave soon enough.

But at some point things started to change between us.

For me it started when she had a different opinion on my plans and my own sentiments on what was happening around us. At first, I took offense. But eventually I learned to respect her opinions, and I just decided that I didn’t have to tell her about those things anymore. I just thought that she will never understand my sentiments since she doesn’t really know what it feels like to be in my place.

What happened on her side, I will never really know.

But for some reason, the distance between us just lengthened.

I think was somehow aware that it was happening. But what happened yesterday concerned me and saddened me.

I know her response to the whole promotion news was not necessarily about me. It really was unfair to her. But I didn’t ask for this. I wasn’t even expecting it.

I just couldn’t help but feel sad especially when I see her being so happy towards the other people’s promotions. I see it and hear it happening in front of me. She couldn’t even look me in the eye. She tries to avoid being stuck in one room with me.

I want to be happy about it. Because I do feel that I deserve it too. My plans of leaving doesn’t strip me of the right to be compensated more for my hard work and for assuming all the dirty work.

But with her, especially her, and the other people’s reactions towards it, I sometimes wonder if I really deserve it.

And with all that’s happening right now, I wonder if we will ever recover the friendship that we used to have.

The God of Small Things

I’ve always loved reading. But ever since I graduated from college, I always tend to a start a book then not finish it. What’s worse is that I tend to buy books and not read them at all.

Except for Arundhati Roy’s The God of Small Things.


It tells of the tragedy of a Kerala family brought about by society’s caste system and Love Laws (That lay down who should be loved. And how. And how much.)

"The only dream worth having is to dream that you will live while you are alive, and die only when you are dead. To love, to be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and vulgar disparity of the life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never to forget."

It took me almost a week to read it. But for the first time, in a long time, I finished reading a book. It’s not exactly the story that pulled me but the way the story was written. I’m not that good with words so I really can’t describe how different and effective her story telling skills are. Maybe you just ought to read the book to understand what I have a hard time explaining.

Or read the following excerpts:

"Perhaps it's true that things can change in a day. That a few dozen hours can affect the outcome of whole lifetimes. And that when they do, those few dozen hours, like the salvaged remains of a burned house---the charred clock, the singed photograph, the scorched furniture---must be resurrected from the ruins and examined. Preserved. Accounted for. Little events, ordinary things, smashed and reconstitutred. Imbued with new meaning. Suddenly they become the bleached bones of a story."

"When you hurt people, they begin to love you less. That's what careless words do. They make people love you a little less."

It was already 2:00 am and I knew that I had to put down the book. But the last chapter was just too…passionate - the unforbidden love, the words used, the way the sentences were constructed – all of which just leave you mesmerized and alive at 2:00 am in the morning. It’s like the chapter alone can be a masterpiece.

"Being with him made her feel as though her soul had escaped from the narrow confines of her island country into the vast, extravagant spaces of his. He made her feel as though the world belonged to them- as though it lay before them like an opened frog on a dissecting table, begging to be examined."

"The way her body existed only where he touched her. The rest of her was smoke."

"He folded his fear into a perfect rose. He held it out in the palm of his hand. She took it from him and put it in her hair."



Next read: Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts

rants

1) They give you crappy and frustrating accounts. In Filipino, basurang accounts (trash). And since it’s a crappy account, it’s slow and it has lots of problems. So when the bosses get frustrated on the account, they get it out on you. Like it’s your fault that it’s taking so slow and that it’s not perfect. Unlike your colleagues (8 to 10 years older) who have the beautiful and easy accounts, everything goes smoothly. You try to not take it personally. But if it’s been happening for the past two weeks, it just makes you a tiny bit angry. Because all that you’ve been doing really is the best you can do given the crappiness of the account.

2) They ask you to temporarily oversee the deal when the colleague is on leave. But once the colleague is back, they don’t let you in the deal anymore. Then all of a sudden the boss asks you so many things about the deal. Then you wonder what the hell is he talking about? Oh! It’s that meeting they had which you weren’t invited to join. The boss also asks you to help out on the deal since the colleague has so many other deals. Like you’re not helping out. But how can you help when you are never updated and when they’ve never invited you in the meetings. And now all of a sudden you are the irresponsible account officer. Unfair? Yes, I very much think so.

3) They make you responsible for the documents of almost 2,000 clients which really should be the Operation’s responsibility. Aside from the huge volume, most of these clients and their AOs are irresponsible in submitting the documents. And don’t get me started on how hard it is to follow-up the documents. So when the internal auditor asks you for copies of the IDs of some of the clients, you tell her that you’ll try to get their IDs, but for now maybe she can refer to the Certification from the Account Officers (that they did their own Know-Your-Client procedures on the clients). Which by the way your Compliance Officer asked you to accomplish. Then after a while the Operations Head tells you that you should not have told the Auditor about the Certification. That instead you should have told her that she can just talk to Operations and that they’re dealing with the documents. So now it’s supposed to be the Operation’s responsibility. So by Internal Audit- and procedure- purposes, it’s their responsibility. But since they know that:

• It’s all dirty work
• They can use office politics to impose on you the responsibility
• You’re responsible and you would do it no matter what

They make you do it. Unjust? Yes, it is. It really is.

I hate it so much. I just hate it.

And you don't have anyone in the office to talk about it anymore because they don't understand. They never will.

Finding Happiness :)

Source: 365q

Are you feeling some sort of pain right now? That's right. That's what I felt too when I first saw this picture.

It's by Julian Bialowas, a photographer and graphic design student from Canada. It's part of his 365q project where he posts one of his photos for each day of the year. It's just perfect. The photos are breathtaking and the script inspires you to travel and enjoy life.

What's STOPPING you? That's RIGHT. NOTHING.

What used to stop me from doing the one thing I've always wanted to do? Me, just me.

Sure, I didn't have that much savings to do it. Of course I can't quit my job. What would my parents say? What would people say? Of course it's stupid, crazy, and irresponsible.

These things discouraged me. And I settled for the long-weekends travels.

Eventually I found the courage to finally decide to do it.

I did the first actual step - I bought a one-way ticket to India.

I started SERIOUSLY saving up - I said no to travel invites. I went out and watched movies less. I tried to stay away from Starbucks and Coffeebean. I finally had the will to not go to our flagfootball games every weekend (which was pretty hard!).

I finally told my parents that I was going to quit my job. They eventually stopped telling me to find another job first. I haven't told them that I'm travelling for a few months. I'm still preparing myself and them for that. Soon.

I eventually learned to not be affected by the opinions of the people around me. I also learned to not tell them about it anymore. Instead I found comfort from my friends, and the travel blogging community. Reading their blogs continue to remind me that I'm not that crazy. Thanks so much. :)

One more month until I finally tell my parents about it. Two more months until I file that letter. 3 and a half months more until THE DATE.

Despite my few 25-years of existence in this world, I realized that we can always choose to be happy. It's different for each and everyone of us. But we all have the capability to improve our state and our lives. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's hard. And sometimes it takes a long time. But that's what makes life great. Even the journey towards happiness can be happiness in itself. Happiness doesn't have to be the whole world agreeing with you. It's about you and how you define your own happiness.

I choose happiness over security. I choose now over worrying about the future. I've finally chosen to be happy. I finally know now how to listen to my heart. And it's been wonderful. Really wonderful. :)

What's stopping you? That's right. NOTHING. ;)

lovely coincidence

Lately I’ve been contemplating whether I should give up my place, which I share with my cousin, here in Makati. Or to negotiate a lower rent with our landlady and keep the place while I’m gone. Last night I was gearing towards giving it up already and thought of helping my cousin find a new place. Then this morning, my cousin told me that she’s going to Singapore next month to apply in the company where our friend works because they’re looking for more people. If everything works out, she’s moving there August or September.

There you go. I can’t keep the place and pay for us both until next year.

Amazing. I know some people don’t believe in signs. But I just love the coincidence. And I pray and hope that things work out for us both. :)

And last night I sorted out my old shoes, bags, and clothes. And I’m selling some of them today to my officemates. Hope they buy it!

And HOPEFULLY, if everything works out, looks like I’m backpacking Southeast Asia next year after the holidays. Excited!

happy : )

“It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It's not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound re-invention.”
- Conan O’Brien, Dartmouth Class of 2011 Commencement Speech

I couldn’t agree more. Back in college, I had an idea of who and what I was going to be in the real world. I worked and pushed myself into becoming that perceived ideal. But it just didn’t work out. I failed a lot of times, and I was so disappointed with myself and the universe. Looking back, I know now that life just had a better idea. When we try so hard to achieve something or to become someone and we fail, we just really have to accept the fact that it’s not meant to happen. It’s a cliché, but it does happen in real life. It happened to me.

When we know deep inside that there’s nothing anymore that we can do about achieving our perceived ideal, we try to reinvent ourselves. We look deep inside and talk to our hearts (sorry for the melodramatic lines :P) and find out what makes us truly happy. We make that thing a priority and we try to achieve it. There is no assurance that it will materialize or that we will succeed. But we wouldn’t know unless we try. Even the journey or the process of reinvention is a remarkable life experience in itself. We learn things about ourselves and our capabilities. And in this sense, we never really lose. We just gain more. We become better.

This trip is my first try at reinvention. I have absolutely no idea if it’s going to work out or not. All I know is that it is making me happy right now – the goal and the journey towards that goal. I have never felt so excited and passionate about something in a very long time. For the past five years my life has been mostly about failures and frustrations. The past two years has been about fears and settling for what is here right now. This trip saved me. This trip awakened my spirit again. I feel like I am capable again.

I know it’s such a bizarre idea. I know that for some it is perceived as irresponsible or I’m being ungrateful of the blessings that I have. I know that it does look like a stupid and scary thing to do. But this bizarre, stupid, and scary thing is making me happy right now. And I want to be happy, genuinely happy for a change.

Wow. The words above just found themselves pouring out of my heart. This entry was supposed to just say that I find Conan O’Brien’s speech funny and inspiring. Instead, I just realized that I haven’t been this happy and passionate in quite a long time. Which is really really great. :)

i have tumblr!

so..i haven't been posting that much here because i'm really enjoying tumblr! :)

i haven't figured out how to create a tumblr widget. so here's the link for now. hope you enjoy my posts!

bob marley's thoughts on love.

Bob Marley on loving a woman. Sweet. :)

Bob Marley on finding and loving the perfect guy. A lesson for women who have high standards. Ouch. haha

the joy of less

"And I remember how, in the corporate world, I always knew there was some higher position I could attain, which meant that, like Zeno’s arrow, I was guaranteed never to arrive and always to remain dissatisfied."

"Perhaps happiness, like peace or passion, comes most when it isn’t pursued."

- The Joy of Less, Pico Iyer



good stuff. it actually left me speechless. :)

October 2011

I am so looking forward to that day when I take that October 18 flight to start my most awaited trip to India and Nepal, and not be stuck here in this office chair of mine looking at traveller’s blog entries. Cursing their insanely beautiful and exciting photos, and laughing at their adventures and misadventures.

But they’re enough to get me through the day. Plus this one (I love his photos)!

It' been ten months since this idea came up.

Five more months until this idea becomes a reality. :)

buen camino!

thankful that I don't have to go to work today and instead have a doublevanilla tea latte, have some peaceful time with my own thoughts, and just relax.

Got this from FB's God wants you to know app:
"...that this world was made for you too. Enjoy it, explore it, experience it. Don't hold back. It is God's gift to you. Don't be a wallflower in the dance of life."

An officemate lent me a dvd last week - "The Way" by Emilio Estevez. It's about an American doctor (Martin Sheen) who went to France to recover the body of his dead son (Emilio Estevez) who died during the first day of his pilgrimage through The Camino de Santiago. Driven by grief and guilt for not supporting his son's dream, he decided to finish the 800km walk to the Santiago de Compostella in Spain. He meets 3 more pilgrims and together they learn more about each other and build a friendship and share such a memorable life experience. It's such a beautiful and inspiring movie.

From the official website:

In the film, a father unfortunately comes to understand his son's life through his death and along the road finds himself as well. The main protagonist of the film is the conflict we each have within ourselves of choosing a life versus living a life. This greater question of finding oneself is a matter of acceptance and choice. Given the circumstances of our lives, how do we understand ourselves, our family and our friends, and the choices we make? Do we blindly go through life unaware of our actions and how they affect not only ourselves but others, as well? What role does our community, friendships and faith play in our decisions?

The Camino, by its nature, serves as the ultimate metaphor for life. Footsteps along a well-trodden path may be our guide, but do not shield us from the questions that most of our busy everyday lives prevent us at times from fully recognizing. The road offers very little to hide behind. The process of life is life along whichever road, path, Camino, or Way we find ourselves on. Our humanity toward ourselves and others, our history and our future is what defines us. Take the journey of life. Buen Camino.

The decision has been made. I'm resigning from my job this year and I'm going to travel, experience India and trek the Himalayas. It's really a matter of deciding when I'm going to do it.

1) Do I stick it out until October and spend a few more months doing something I don't like and deal with unreasonable people? But spend my 26th in the Himalayas and travel for 2 and a half months.

2) Or quit my job this June and be finally free from all negativities of the office? Travel end-August and hope that the monsoon season is over in India but might cut the travel short and also risk not making it to one of my closest friend's wedding.

Honestly when I'm at work and the negativities come up, I just want to quit right away. But when I'm at home, when I'm with my friends, and now, I think I can still take all the crap in the office and wait for October.

"Kung saan ka at peace, yun ang tamang direksyon." - from my good friend, Mayen.

I'm more at peace with the original plan of leaving this October. I think it's going to be quite hard eating more crap and shit at work but I've made it this far right? I'm so stubborn and such a masochist. hahaha

On a lighter note, I think I want to do the Camino de Santiago. The small towns and villages along the way are so pretty, the trek itself seems light and the landscapes and churches along the way are beautiful. And just being far away from the noise and chaos of big cities - haaay. :)

hiraaaapppp

alam mo yung ayaw mo na magreklamo kasi sobrang negative mo na tapos ayaw mo na siyang ispread? pero alam mo naman na kapag hindi mo nilabas bibigay ka na.

so dito ko na lang ilalabas lahat para wala masyadong additional negativity sa mundo.

pero parang bibigay pa din ako.

ang hirap naman.

this time will pass

Is it really not enough that all I know for now is that I don’t want to do this anymore and that I just want to travel? Is it too wrong and irresponsible that I don’t really know where and what I am going to be after this?

I ask these questions from the people whose approvals matter but whose answers will not make me move forward.

I should have been asking myself these questions.

I should learn to listen to myself first and be accountable for whatever is it I am going to do. I should ask myself if I’m willing to be irresponsible by society’s and my parents’ standards and make my dream come true.

I should start accepting that giving up this comfortable lifestyle may be hard but it has to be done for now.

I should believe in myself and know that I can go through this.

That for the first time I should just do something and stop suffering, and start being happy that it will all be over soon.

One to two months of travelling and just taking photos? That's happiness for me. I'm smiling while typing this. :)

No more marketing and retail? No more mean AOs and clients shouting at me over money? No more office politics and gossiping? Now, that's peace and quiet.


And you are such a fool
To worry like you do
I know it's tough
And you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now, my, oh my

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
Oh love, look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

And if the night runs over
And if the day wont last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass
Its just a moment
This time will pass

one step closer to knowing

thank you, U2. i love how this song is giving me hope right now.

One Step Closer - U2

I'm 'round the corner from anything that's real
I'm across the road from hope
I'm under a bridge in a rip tide
That's taken everything I call my own

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing

I'm on an island at a busy intersection
I can't go forward, I can't turn back
Can't see the future
It's getting away from me
I just watch the tail lights glowing

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
Knowing, knowing

I'm hanging out to dry
With my old clothes
Finger still red with the prick of an old rose
Well the heart that hurts
Is a heart that beats
Can you hear the drummer slowing?

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing

i think i'm a bit jaded

I overanalyze. I overthink. That’s just who I am.

But to acknowledge to myself that I’d rather be alone than take a risk and find out if I can actually be happy with someone? It’s alarming, sad, and pathethic. But it seems to be my truth now.

What the hell happened to me? hahaha

uncertainties

i think 4 years is enough already. i've given myself enough time to assess if this career path is where i'm supposed to be and if i should even continue on down this path.

i tested the waters for the first two years. i enjoyed it and i've discovered my strengths and weaknesses, the things i like doing, the things i can tolerate, and those i know i can live without. in the middle of it all, i tried to shift to another path as a way to escape - it didn't work out, i tried twice.

the next two years to now, i tried to give it another chance. i decided to move to a larger house to get a better opportunity to experience the real investment banking job. and i did. i handled financial advisory, marketing, equity and debt issuances, and operational work. i was challenged and i felt rewarded (financially and by pride). i get to travel, buy stuff, provide medical security for my parents, and sustain myself. but i feel like there's always something wrong. i hate that i've cursed a lot and meant some of it, i argued with so many people, i get shouted at by scheming account officers, and been a slave for rich-unreasonable-mean clients. i feel so detached from my work. it's not something that i can be totally proud of. and the stress - i've tried so hard to overcome it but i just can't.

the past few days i thought there was a glimpse of hope that things will eventually improve in the office. but office politics got in the way and they imposed on me something that i still have a hard time accepting. i thought there was a glimpse of hope that i might stay longer, but it's already hopeless. i'd like to think He is already telling me to give up. and for the first time, i actually feel really really sad and disappointed.

first, because i really think this is going to be my last year in this path. i thought it was going to work out somehow.

second, because i don't know where i'm supposed to go after this. all i have is that major trip in october which i'm praying will push through. after that, i don't know where i'm supposed to go.

and i'm scared, really really scared. but i know now, today, for sure that i don't like to return to this path anymore.

third, that uncontrollable situations will make me stay or force me to go back after the trip.

i'm scared. i would like to feel excited, but i'm not. don't get me wrong, i have faith that everything will work out soon enough. but now at this very moment, the uncertainty is making me sad and really anxious.

awesomeness

saw this from Zoey's flickr account:

"When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead."

I love it. This is apparently from one of Barney Stinson's (HIMYM) office posters. I just love it. :)

fading

it's one of those days.

busy monday. 2.5-hrs meetings. information overload.
hot weather. too lazy to run.
i miss. airports. shorts and shirts. strangers. new. foreign.
sweet. interesting. routine. boring.

it's like the magic of april is already fading.

i need to get moving. but i'm just too lazy.

routine. again. until when?

Beautiful Coron: Bulog and Malcapuya

Third day was island hopping and an overnight stay in Malcapuya Island. And this was the day we visited the most gorgeous island/beach I’ve ever seen. It had white sand and clear white and aqua blue waters. It was paradise. :)

Bulog Island :)








look at that. super clear :D




Malcapuya Island


Malcapuya Island Sunset :)

Photos and memories like these are the reasons why I live and why I'm so thankful to Him for such wonderful gifts. Places like these remind you of how beautiful Philippines is. Going to places like these and being rewarded by so much joy and happiness, are the reasons why I travel. :)

Thank you, Coron. I will be seeing you again next year. I hope your unexplored part is still intact by then. :)

Beautiful Coron: Mt. Tapyas and Hidden Lakes

Whenever I hear friends talk about Coron, they have this certain sparkle in their eyes like they’ve been to a magical place. And when they start talking about the places they saw and the memories they have of the place, they somehow get lost at the middle of their sharing like they're transported back in time. When you encounter friends like these from time to time you would be very curious and you automatically plan the trip.

aerial view of Busuanga, Palawan

And that’s what we did.

But before we discovered the beauty of Coron, we first had to be stressed out by Cebu Pacific’s overbooking Policy. Only 2 out of 5 were able to get into the scheduled (delayed) flight, the other 3 were moved to the 12nn flight. If we did not make a scene in the check-in counter, we wouldn’t have left Manila that day. Anyways, we got separated and our flights were delayed.

We weren’t able to start our island hopping that afternoon, so we just decided to eat lunch, rest, and hike Mt. Tapyas. Tapyas in English means ‘chipped off’. A young boy told us that half of the top of the mountain was chipped off from the US bombing of Japanese troops who were allegedly there. The hike with 718 steps is fairly easy with a few stops along the way. It was quite tiring but the view is definitely worth it.

Mt. Tapyas Sunset

Our second day started with snorkeling in Siete Pecados, having lunch in one of the small white beaches, and swimming in the hidden lakes of Coron Island – Kayangan Lake, Twin Lagoon, and Barracuda Lake. We weren’t able to visit the other white beaches and the ship wreck since it was high tide. So we just spent most of our time swimming in Kayangan Lake and Barracuda Lake.

Kayangan Lake

Barracuda Lake, we had it to ourselves. :)

short, funny, but really sweet

We were talking about the GAME people play. How to play it and when to know if someone’s a player. I told them that I don’t want to and I don’t think I’m emotionally strong enough to play it.

Then things happened. (Disclaimer: It was nothing major, but it was something quite huge of a step for me.)

At first there were the unnecessary attention and efforts to talk to me and sit beside me. Or to ask if I was feeling okay or if I need help. Then there were the cuddly things that I didn’t know how to respond to.

Then there was the alcohol. Alcohol strips you off slowly of your inhibitions. (My inhibitions since he wasn't allowed to drink alcohol.)

Then I responded to the efforts. And I’m glad I did. It was short, it was sweet, there were butterflies in my stomach and up until now they still linger.

They asked me if I would be interested in him since he told one of them that he is interested in me. I told them that I don’t know and I just found myself responding to it and actually liking it. Because I know that things can and will probably be different once we’re all back to reality, where convenience and time are luxuries. I’m just glad that it happened and that he was a nice and great guy.

But more than anything, I’m so glad that I allowed myself to feel something even for just a few days. And that I allowed myself to have fun and be appreciated.

It was such a funny and sweet experience that it deserves a blog entry. :)

passion and miracles

‘Passion is life’s fuel. It is to conspire with the universe and align yourself with what it is you were meant to do in this life. And when you live out your passion, miracles happen. So find it.’

Source: here

thankful

It’s 15 minutes before 11pm. The weather is cold. I hear cars passing by outside. And I hear my mother coughing and I see her feeling very cold.

I feel a lot better now after hearing from the doctor that the results of her ultrasound and laboratory test are all normal. But she has typhoid fever, the doctor said it’s manageable and she just needs to rest and take some antibiotics. I still wish though that she’s not here and not looking frail, but I’m just really thankful that it’s nothing serious.

But still. This is the worst feeling ever – having to see one of your parents in a hospital bed and looking frail. Makes you think of the inevitabilities in life and it’s a very scary thought.

But I’ve come to realize that there’s no point in worrying and thinking about those things. We have to accept that sometimes old age comes with a lot of health problems and that we should just deal with them once they happen. All we really can do is pray that He showers them with good health and that He gives us more time to spend with them and make them happy.

dear parents

To all the parents who have children over 20,

Please consider that you have children who worry about you. I know you’re used to worrying about your children and not the other way around. But we do worry. We can handle things like these.

Tell us when you feel something wrong about your health, even more so when the doctor already orders you to be admitted. I know you don’t like being in the hospital. But for your sake as well as ours, please just listen and follow your doctor’s orders.


People who love you so much,
Your children

random love stuff

(Long distance/Complicated) relationships: A good friend was in Makati last Wednesday and so we had coffee. We mostly talked about her love life – the difficulties of a long distance relationship and the overwhelming feeling of being in love. At one point in the conversation, I actually felt lonely. I suddenly missed the feeling of loving someone so deeply. That feeling of helplessness when you see him having to deal with difficult things, wishing that you could make all of those problems disappear. That feeling of uncertainty and certainty all at the same time – unsure of how long your relationship will last, but you know that as of that certain moment you both love each other. If only it was easy for us human beings to just be contented with the present, falling in love will be so much easier. But it is hard to not consider the past and to not think/worry about the future especially when you know that it is just not possible. Was it the right decision to pursue it in the first place? I guess we will only know the answer once we make the decision.

Weddings: I’ve always tried to avoid attending weddings because I really don’t like dressing up and putting on make-up. Plus a dress and a pair of shoes are just too expensive. But since a good friend/officemate is getting married (finally) and he asked us to be candle bearers in the offertory, I felt compelled to attend the wedding. I’m so glad I did. I love weddings now especially when you know the bride and groom quite well and what they have been through. My favorite moment was when the tall door of the church opened and the beautiful bride entered (with Imago’s Sundo playing in the background), I looked at the groom and saw that he was close to tears, smiling, and nodding. I know that such scene is common in movies, but it’s just so different when you see it happen with real people. It was so beautiful and touching.

Fate and free will: “Most people live life on the path that we’ve set for them, too afraid to explore any other. But once in a while, people like you come along who knock down all the obstacles we put your way. People who realize free will as a gift you’ll never know how to use until you fight for it. I think that’s the Chairman’s plan and maybe one day we won’t write the plan, you will.” – Adjustment Bureau

I wish I have my own story.
I pray that my own wedding will be as beautiful and overflowing with love.
I pray that I will be patient when obstacles come our way.

But yes, sometimes, I wish I have my own story to tell.

a good cup of coffee

i miss having coffee with my superfriends and econ superfriends. busy lives, far-away countries and continents. ;(

starbucks hot whitemocha and cbtl doublevanilla tea latte still taste good. but they aren't as comforting anymore without great friends to talk to.

i miss you pong and neys, and jm, rory, and jill. hope to see you girls soon. :)

life as a journey

“The view of life being a journey. Set goals and dreams. And if you get those goals, that’s a bonus. But the real joy of life is living it. Maybe I never needed a goal for this trip. It was just to experience, to grow, to learn. To travel around and meet people face to face and live a life with them. I think it makes you more understanding and more respectful of the world that we live in.”

- Scott Wilson, Departures S3 Epi15 Indonesia

speaking my truth and dreaming big

"To be able to travel up to the sky, you have to leave all your excess baggages. If I want to reach the top, I have to travel lightly. Because we live like in a mountain, when you reach the top there's not much space for anybody else, only for you. Once you're down here, make sure you have many friends. But getting older, they get less. You're the only who sticks with you. Until that one day when you reach the top, you'll be alone. My father always say 'Do your own thing. When you're young, travel. Do something. Make mistakes because you can have lots of time to fix them. But someday when you're older, try not to make mistakes. Try to speak the truth. Even when people don't get it, at least you speak the truth. Just do what you have to do. Reach your goals. Dream big. Dream as big as you can.'"

- Mr. Oka, Departures Season 3 Episode 15 Indonesia

Because of everything that happened last February, I was having second thoughts about my big trip. It was probably because I saw more reason, well more of I discovered that there are still good people here, to stay. Until I realized the effect of stress on my health and after watching more episodes of Departures season 3.

I discovered that weeks of stress and sleep deprivation can not be 'recovered' that easily. Up until now, I still have a hard time sleeping early. Or despite sleeping for almost 9 hours, I still feel like I need more sleep and rest. It's like a daily hangover. I still get the throbbing migraine at the lower back of my head from time to time. I realized that sacrificing my health to stay for my team, for the people, is just not worth it.

I have also been revisiting my blog and my travel photos. And I realized just how genuinely happy I was during those times, the giddiness I felt when I received an email from a small magazine asking permission to use my photo. And watching departures - the wonderful surprises, gifts, and memorable experiences that travelling has given Justin, Scott, and Andre.

And most importantly to live life with no, or at least minimal, regrets.

These are the reasons why I'm pushing through with the big trip, but with some changes. I might go to Indonesia instead of China. While watching the Indonesia episodes, I felt something like a pull to go there. I was so drawn to the richness in culture, the honest spirituality and faith of the people especially of Oka. He smokes and make green jokes, but he is so spiritual and disciplined (when needed) all at the same time. What a wonderful balance he has. I know it sounds so 'Eat, Pray, Love'-ish, but watch the Indonesia episodes and you'll know what I mean.

So here's to enjoying the new friendships I have here but staying focused on making my big dream a reality.

a prayer

I'm so sorry I forgot to talk to you about all of this. I'm so sorry I had to deal with it all on my own. I'm sorry I cursed too much, and I'm sorry I meant most of it. I'm sorry I abused my body and my health. I'm sorry I burdened my heart too much. Please take them all away, it's been quite heavy for some time.

Please guide me towards forgiveness and openness. Thank you for reminding me of the right way to deal with all of it. I will try to be better, please be with me through the whole process. Thank you for always being there.

clarity

February 2011 has been the most stressful and conflict-filled month of my life. The stress I’m quite used to, but the conflicts are something else.

I never thought that moving to a bigger firm means having to adjust to a lot of different types of people. I have had countless, and I mean countless, arguments with several account officers all throughout this whole project. I know that I really should not take them seriously, but the fact that it happens a lot of times in one day, in one week, in one month, was just too much to handle. People will always tell you, especially from the outside, that you just have to let go. But it is hard when you are the one arguing with this people. I guess I was just raised by my mother to be strong and to always stand my ground especially when I know I am right. The past few years has taught me to not allow people to just shout at me and bully me around. These are the things I had to deal with daily especially for the past two weeks.

What hurts me more is the fact that people in our office still has the time to criticize our team, when they can just help us. Because all that we are doing is to earn income for the company. They see us working so hard until late at night, they know that we stayed in the office until 530am, they know that we were missing lunches, but they still gossip about us. About me. They check my facebook posts and status every freaking day. They interrogated me about the details of the trip I had last weekend. They made me feel guilty about posting a comment ‘f*ck corporate slavery’ on my facebook account (I posted this out of stress and frustration). They told me that as an officer of the company I should not have posted it. They had to tell people at the office that one of them (a boss) scolded me about it. For a day, I thought I was going to lose my job. And they did all of these while we were working so hard, for all of us to earn our salaries. But my team assured me that our boss will understand, and that he will not care. They’re trying to control my social life. They become quiet when I walk into the pantry and when I pass by them. I felt so bad about the whole thing. But after a while, I just laughed at the whole situation.

But despite all of this, I gained new friends. I found out that I have been hanging out with the wrong people. I discovered that the people from the other side of the floor, the people who invited me to the trip last weekend, were so nice and so much fun to be with. I know they will have something to say about it. But I don’t care anymore. I will not waste my time with people who do not appreciate me and who can not be trusted. Moreover, the whole situation has bonded our team. It makes going to work so much easier now. I love our team now. I love my boss now.

February is over. Summer is here. April will be a jam-packed month filled with beach trips with the people I love. :)

life and second chances

Today might just be a normal day for everyone else. But for me, today is a reminder of how lucky I am to be alive.

the Anawangin 11, a few hours before it happened. we were even joking afterwards that this could have been the perfect picture for our wake. *knock on wood*

3 years ago, one Saturday afternoon, in Anawangin Cove, 10 of my friends and I survived a near-death experience. We almost drowned due to an underwater current which has, unfortunately, cost lives of other people over the years. What was supposedly a fun afternoon in an isolated cove turned into the scariest and most peaceful day of my life.

this was us after the incident, a photo by a random person who was also there during that weekend. we were an accessory to his beautiful sunset photo. :P

that's me in a black jacket, the morning after, alone and staring at the sea.

another photo by a random person.

Today I am thankful for the second chance and life given to me and my friends. Today I am reminded of the things I promised myself three years ago.

Although work has been very stressful and exhausting lately, I still want to celebrate the 3rd year of my second life. I wasn’t able to go out with friends tonight to celebrate, but at this moment I offer a prayer of gratitude to Him. :)

reminder

5 more days till February 23. It’s going to be three years since that day when my friends and I were given another chance in life.

I know what I’m going through right now is so minor compared to what other people, even my close friends, are going through. But I’m just really stressed out. I’m really trying hard to not allow this to consume me, but I’m having a hard time doing it.

I’m holding on to that February 23, 2008 afternoon and the reasons why we got out of that situation safely and alive. I just need to be reminded that my work does not necessarily define who I am as a person, especially the things I hear from other people. That it’s just something that I need to do for a living.

I am in such a vulnerable place right now and I think I’m losing my self-confidence. I just need to be reminded that I was given a second chance for a reason. That it shouldn’t have to be this hard and consuming. It’s either I get myself out of this situation or I change my perspective of things. I just need to be reminded. Lord, remind me please.

this will be the last year

I don’t like what I’m doing. I hate it so much. No matter how much I try to rise above it, I just really can’t. To make it worse, I sometimes don’t get the people in the office and why they make a big issue out of everything, even the smallest of things.

But I know that I need to stay here for so many important reasons. That is why I need to be more patient.

So I will address this situation in a very logical way and will try not to let my emotions take over.

But I promise myself that I will try my very best to get out of this situation before the year ends.

humbling

It has been a very busy two weeks. I was supposed to post 2 blog posts but just couldn’t find the time to even finish them. Things and events in the office have been quite stressful lately. I woke up today with a throbbing headache at the lower back of my head. My officemate told me it’s stress- and tension- related. I was about to rant and describe them in detail here but when I opened the Boston Big Picture link this morning, I was humbled.

those eyes and those innocent smiles make you snap out of stressing about the unnecessary things in life and just be thankful. :)

cooking! weee!!!

i guess people do change. i'm changing and i'm excited! thanks to the amazing kids of masterchef australia. :)

i want to learn how to cook. :)

Got to Dance UK and Junior MasterChef Australia

There is something about talent reality shows that make me tear up.

I was able to watch a marathon of Got to Dance UK during the 2010 holidays. After one episode, I was hooked. I actually missed some family moments just because I wanted to watch the marathon. haha And last night I watched the first episode of Junior MasterChef Australia.

I envy their passion and dedication for their craft, especially the young ones.

The way they danced is heart-warming. The way Matthew Koon dance is so moving. I also loved the kids of The Box and their Final 4 dance.

The kids of Junior MasterChef Australia are amazing, I can’t even determine if the fish I’m frying is already cooked. haha Plus they’re so cute and adorable. I almost always cry whenever I see their faces light up when their dishes are praised by the judges.

It got me to thinking about my future kids. I hope this blog entry reminds me in the future to support my kids in whatever it is they want to do. May it be dancing, cooking, swimming, painting, etc. I just hope they would learn to love flag football. haha

A Map for Saturday

A Map for Saturday is a documentary created by Brook Silva-Braga. It gives us an idea of the modern backpacking world. Both the hassles and wonders of backpacking and especially of travelling alone.

It started with the day when he told his co-workers of his plan to quit his job and travel the world for one whole year. There were various reactions to his plan i.e., he’s crazy for leaving the job he worked hard for, some envied him for being so brave. His parents and family, on the other hand, were very supportive. They worried about his safety but they somehow understood what he wanted to do being travelers themselves back in their youth.

He travels through Australia, Asia, Europe and South America. In between the still shots of beautiful landscapes and people, he interviews his fellow backpackers about life on the road. The reason why people travel, the instant friends and constantly saying goodbye to people, the burnout point when travelling becomes tiring and ordinary, the anxiety and stress of going home and facing ‘reality’, and the addicting quality of travelling.

I can only relate to the reasons why they love travelling and why it is so addicting. I hope to experience the other highlights of the documentary when I do my own travelling by the end of the year.

Why they travel. They come from different countries and from different backgrounds, some travel alone and some in groups. But all of them do it for three simple reasons- 1) love of travelling 2) the belief that life is not entirely about career and money 3) to live life with no regrets.

I started to make travelling my priority because of Reason no. 1 – I love to travel. I love discovering new things about the human race. I love looking at our various differences and at the same time of the few important things that we all have in common – love (of family and friends) and faith (not religion, but faith regardless of how we practice it). I love the overwhelming feeling of being at awe of majestic landscapes and man-made historic structures.

It took me a while to realize Reason no. 2. I had to first be obsessed about finding the right career, achieving goals at a certain age, comparing my own success with my peers', etc. It was that one afternoon of Feb 23, 2008 when I came to realize that I should give more importance to the things that matter most in life. I had to fail twice to realize that it’s okay to not know everything yet. That it’s okay to not have a distinct life plan. That life offers wonderful surprises if we just allow it to. And for me, it was travelling. That was one of the most wonderful surprises of my life.

Consistent travelling, getting inspired by Departures (an amazing travel show) and A Map for Saturday, bungy jumping from the Macau Tower, and lesson no. 2 – all of these led me to Reason no. 3. We will never really know what’s going to happen to us tomorrow or 5 years from now. So we must make the most out of life and strive to live life with no regrets.

I’ve shared this plan of mine to a few people. And most of them have that same questioning look on their faces. Why do I have to quit my job? What will I do after? They’re actually scared for me. They can’t imagine themselves sharing a room with a stranger or travelling alone in a foreign land.

Of course it scares me. I can’t even tell my parents about it yet. But all those fears are not going to get me anywhere. I know it’s cliché. But I don’t want to wake up one morning in my 50’s and realize that I should have done the one thing that I’ve always wanted to do. I know I can do it now, so I’ll do it.

Anyone Can. The one backpacker that really affected me and inspired me big time is the 70 year old man who along with his plastic bags of pills is still travelling around Europe. He is living his life the best way he knows how. No illness or weak bones can stop him. ‘Anyone can,’ he said. I guess if you just really want it so bad, you’ll do everything you can to make it happen. And it will eventually happen.

seriously.

‘Bakit nga ba kasi wala ka pang boyfriend?’. Almost every f***ing week they ask me this question.

I mean seriously! I don’t need everyone telling me to have a boyfriend.

I am not looking for one. I hope to find someone in the future, but really it is not a need.

I don’t make it a priority. I don’t even make an effort to look for one. SO PLEASE STOP INTRODUCING AND PAIRING ME UP WITH GUYS like I’m some desperate overdue woman looking for a boyfriend.

It’s funny at the start. It gets really stupid after a while (if you even consider 2 years as a short period of time). And now, I’m just really pissed.

Also, not having and not looking for a boyfriend do not make me a lesbian. Not that there’s anything wrong with being one. I am just not a lesbian.

Also, being in a relationship does not make you better people than us single people. Being single also does not make us less happy than you people who are in a relationship.

2011

"Patience is not waiting. It is knowing. Knowing that everything is happening, has happened, and will happen at exactly the right moment."

The little things that used to bother me everyday at work are now more bearable. Every decision, even the small ones, I make are all towards this goal.

Universe, let's make this happen. :)

*photos are from Google Images and Flickr. thank you for posting these photos and inspiring people to travel and discover how wonderful the world is. collage was done via www.photovisi.com

something to live by

"Patience is not waiting. It is knowing. Knowing that everything is happening, has happened, and will happen at exactly the right moment."

- Unknown

rupert grint and harry potter

OMG. This is so juvenile. haha

Due to the Harry Potter films marathon on the eve of New Year 2011, I find myself reading some parts of the last three books and watching the seven films.

Here it is. I am now a fan of Rupert Grint. I actually have a small crush on him. See, very juvenile. haha

I actually noticed the change and maturity in Rupert Grint in the HP7 Part 1 movie. He’s gone buff and has that certain Heath Ledger appeal. The scene of him and Harry arguing in the tent was really intense. The way Rupert Grint delivered his lines surprised me. I think he will be very successful portraying dark roles, the likes of those portrayed by Leonardo DiCaprio and Heath Ledger.

I’ve always loved the Ron-Hermione and Harry-Ginny love teams. But I’m really looking forward to how Rupert Grint and Emma Watson will bring to life that sweet moment in the HP7 book. Haaay. Kilig.

Those three actors have grown so much in their craft.

I just feel really lucky growing up with the Harry Potter series. I will definitely require my future kids to read them. haha

2010

2010 was a great year.

I’ve discovered that life is just full of wonderful surprises. They come in small and grand moments. From travelling, flag football leagues, random coffee with friends, and family moments in Baguio.

I’ve learned that (for me) it’s better to wake up in the morning just being thankful. That it’s a lot better doing things and living life not searching for a life-changing experience or a life lesson to learn. But instead to just live. I’m continuously learning to let go and to just leave it all up to Him.

I’ve discovered that valuable life lessons and memorable life experiences come to us when we least expect them and they will blow us away.

I’ve learned to value my faith, the people I love and the things that make me genuinely happy. Doing this has given me immeasurable returns and happiness.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve been in some stressful situations this year, both physically and morally. I was (I still am sometimes) very impatient with certain people and situations. I’ve harbored unnecessary and unhealthy emotions. But I’m continuously learning to just be open and understanding. However, these situations are just small compared to the wonderful memories and better relationships I gained this year.

What you don’t have you don’t need it now. What you don’t know you can feel it somehow. It’s a beautiful day. I guess U2 pretty much sums up the year that has been – living life each a day at a time. It’s looking at things at a different perspective when we feel like things are not working for us.

Sometimes things are better appreciated in retrospect. The failures and disappointments I had for the last four years are now making sense. He has His own ways, and they are just beautiful.